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We've all survived another joyous week, and for the weekend it's all downhill with nothing too challenging we hope.
That's right, this week we are all about being a survivor, the type that wins a TV competition and gets a million dollars. (The rest of us are all quite ordinary in comparison, right?)
Let's get into it with a quick video introduction to this week's latest episode.
It's not all coconut cream and bikini girls on Survivor Island, but contestants have been slow to take up some easy ways to make their stay more comfortable.
The Top 10 Overlooked "Survivor" Survival Strategies
- Hide Richard's swimsuit; wait for teammates to puke to death.
- Zealously guard your secret for fermenting coconut milk.
- Join the Rat Tribe, lead an assault on the humans.
- Step one: Plant lots of poppies.
- Announce that if voted out, you immediately start humming "It's a Small World After All" or "Girl From Ipanema."
- Secretly replace your Tribal Council torch with wacky self-relighting torch from novelty shop.
- Legally change your name from Bob Smith to Zbiegniew Vladigmovski, then relax when it's time for everyone to write down their votes.
- Employ the tried-and-true "Fart and Point at Someone Else" strategy.
- Create dissension by encouraging one group to sing "...the professor and Mary Ann" and the other group to sing "...and the rest."
- Gain popularity with the ladies by flaunting your nude fly-fishing technique.
- Daily lattes from the island's newly opened Starbucks.
and the Number 1 Overlooked "Survivor" Survival Strategy...
- Begin nightly telling of your story about a group of people thrown together in the public spotlight and a bitter psycho loser who hunts them down and tortures them years later.
Star Wars fans, we haven't forgotten about you either, and there is an upcoming Survivor Series for you guys as well.
Bet you didn't know that there has also been a Survivor World Leaders Series.
There has even been a Survivor for Toys.
Have you heard about the Survivor "Young Versus Old" upcoming series?
Tribal Council is always an interesting affair.
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Here is a great video which shows exactly how Tribal Council works.
Here is some valuable information for Survivor contestants about how to avoid being the unpopular person who is voted off first.
Top 10 Reasons You're the Least Popular Survivor
- Your Mr. T impression gets old after the first five minutes.
- You're always asking your island mates: "Does this palm frond make my ass look big?"
- You use your gourmet cooking skills to make dog food stuffed rat garnished with grubs and maggots - but nobody likes a show-off.
- The coconut shell bra has its place - but that place is not on the body of a 6'4", 300-lb. programmer named Max.
- You chopped down the island's only citrus tree to make room for your putt-putt golf course.
- You insist on being called "Ginger" - even though your name is Tim.
- Not only are you over the age limit dictated by viewer demographics, everyone is really getting annoyed at you for using your Swiss Army dentures to crack open coconuts, cut down trees, and gut fish.
- Your irritating catch phrase: "Well excuse ME, Robinson Crusoe."
- Your habit of overdoing it with the paprika is ruining the subtle taste of cooked rat.
- You invented a coconut phone - only to spend hours placing telemarketing calls to the other survivors.
- Your "coconut cream pie" specialty is nothing more than whipped seagull poop.
and the Number 1 Reason You're the Least Popular Survivor on Your Desert Island...
- Your favorite campfire song just happens to be "It's a Small World."
Prospective contestants have to submit a video to convince the Producers why they should be selected for the next series.
Here is a typical Survivor Application Video that we found on the web.
Here is another interesting amateur Survivor application video.
When it's all over and contestants return back to their normal lives, there is some intensive recuperation that needs doing.
Top 10 Items on the Return Home To-Do List
- Show the judge your immunity idol and tell him to shove his fugitive warrant.
- Borrow neighbor's weedwhacker; and cut your underarm hair.
- Write up my experiences as a pilot for a TV sitcom about a diverse group of morons stranded on a tropical island.
- Shower, shave, and do enough drugs until the image of Rich's naked body is no longer imprinted on your retinas.
- Week 1: File lawsuit against producers claiming that you didn't know how much the media would invade your privacy.
- Week 2: Appear on talk shows saying you knew it was a mistake as soon as you arrived.
- Week 3: Sign contract for seven-figure nude photo shoot.
- Come up with a couple dozen witty pickup lines involving the phrase "Tribal Council."
- A quick visit to KFC for some *properly-cooked* rat.
- Form an alliance with Pete in Accounting and Brenda in Marketing to try and capture all of the jelly donuts in the break room before 9:00am.
and the Number 1 Item on the To-Do Lists of the Returning "Survivors"...
- Set the alarm clock for 15 minutes and PAR-TY!
Finally, here is the Letterman Show's take on Survivor.
David Letterman's Survivor Top Ten List
When it's all said and done, Survivor is well summed up by the following poster.
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Let's hope we can all survive till the next Friday Funny,
Big Passy Wasabi